I woke this morning not feeling well yet again. I don’t know what it is. It could be depression that is manifesting into physical side effects. Let me tell you this. I started to see someone on Monday night. We had actually been hanging out for about a week. Almost everyday all day. Then last night he tells me he doesn’t want to get into a relationship ( he already asked me out). That would have been fine. I understand that. The only problem is that I feel that there was an instant connection. I know it hasn’t been long since Joe but I have never felt this way this quickly. No I don’t think I loved him but just had really strong feelings. I only knew him for a short period of time but like I said it was an instant connection. He said to me I know you like me and I like you but….. so there it is. I get into this whole big huge fight with the family then this happens. He was the person in the fight of the family. At the time of that we were not seeing each other, but shortly afterwards. I am so depressed I feel useless. Like I am not going to ever be happy that nobody wants me. I know I have many many friends and a HUGE fuzz family. I love everyone but this depression is really kicking my ass. I have felt in the past week like drinking more than I have in the past few years. I have even gotten to thinking those suicidal thoughts. I know that the things going on are not that big an issue and shouldn’t be feeling like that, but it comes with the depression. I know there are people I can call and talk to but when I get like this I tend to isolate. Which is not good because i am left with just my mind. That is not always safe. Another thing is my kids absolutely loved him. My daughter plotted. She gave him a ring and told him to ask me to marry him. She really liked him a lot. I have yet to tell them. I know that they will be devestated about this. I hate doing this shit to my kids. Bring people into their lives then all of a sudden gone. I don’t just mean relationship wise. There was our old neighbors, from the house we just moved from and neighbors from 2 years ago. They still ask about them. Well anyway I will talk to you again soon. Have a great day.
Feeling yucky again